The Park Boys
by Misc.Frog
Summary: Alternate universe where Cartman's mom is a verbally abusive mother. The roles are reversed, with Stan, Kyle, and Kenny being delinquents and Cartman being the straight man, who only goes along with them out of friendship.
1. ditchin

-WARNING- This story is based on South Park, so obviously rated M, so that means 18. Contains drug references, future smut, violence, and dramatic themes. discretion is advised.

The Park Boys

Chapter 1: Ditchin.

South Park High, having only recently been constructed, was as much of an eyesore as anything else located in the quiet little mountain town. But to Eric Cartman, gazing upon this school every day was comparable to looking right at the butthole of Mr. Kitty after some bad cat food.(sorry)

Every body hated school. That's why Cartman always wondered why anybody would ever want to be a teacher. He just assumed teachers were all robots.

"Eric, get the fuck out, I gotta go meet new daddy!" Ms. Cartman spat at her son. Cartman flinched, then he regained his posture. He sighed and exited the vehicle.

Cartman immediately spots a bright green hat, which seemed brighter, somehow. He walked over to the Jew boy, who was busy fiddling with his phone, and didn't see the larger boy approaching.

"Hey Kahl!" Cartman boomed. Kyle jumped and dropped his phone, it hit the sidewalk hard, the back even flying off. Kyle had an android, but even that couldn't survive this impact. The screen cracked immediately. Cartman has surely seen worse, as he owned an iphone, but Kyle looked reasonably freaked out. He rushed to scoop up the phone and put the battery back in and turn it on to see how bad it really was.

"What the FUCK dude!" Kyle growled, as his phone screen lit up, showing a phone company logo, clearly legible, so the screen was fine, but the glass was fucked.

"It was an accident Kahl!" Cartman shot back in his rude manner, though he never saw it that way. Kyle growled and stuffed the ruined phone into his pocket.

"You're just lucky I'm getting a new phone tomorrow fatass!" Kyle spits. Cartman huffed, and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

He doesn't have to be so mean about it, it was just an accident! Cartman's mind goes into a frenzy. I hope he doesn't hate me now... Oh fuck! He called me fatass again, maybe he does...

no- HOOOOONK!

Eric Cartman jumped and almost pissed himself upon hearing the horn of Kenny's beat up van. The blonde boy, who no longer covered up his face, yelled to Cartman.

"You awake dude!?"

"Fuck you Kinny!" Cartman shoots back. "Ah was deep in thought!"

"Yeah sure, get in Cartman!" Stan shouted from the passenger seat. Cartman begrudginly got in the vehicle, which reeked of Marijuana and liquor.

"Kinny did you drink in here?" Cartman asked.

"Damn right!" Kenny grinned. "Don't worry babe, I wasn't even driving. Butters was behind the wheel, and you know Ol' butter cup don't drink!"

"Yeah he doesn't drink," Stan smirked. "But drives like he has been!" He chuckled, sending Kenny and even Kyle into a laughing fit.

"We're gonna be late gahs!" Cartman shouted.

"Since when did you care about school!?"

"Fuck off Stan!"

"Guys guys," Kenny silenced the two. "I got alot of bud, and I have a feeling we're gonna need some cheesy poofs for the aftermath."

"Sounds like a plan." Kyle grinned.

"Got any cash jew boy?" Kenny asked with a grin.

"Unfortunately for you it's not my turn to pay for snacks this time." Kyle smirks, looking quite proud of himself, for remembering the old promise that was made after Kyle spent almost 60 bucks on munchie snacks.

"Damn you really are a jew." Kenny laughed.

"Ah'm broke gahs." Cartman said.

"Me too..." Stan said.

"And I bought the weed..." Kenny sighed.

"Just drive to the gas station," Kyle growled. He instinctively checked his phone, only to be reminded of the morning's events.

"Damn bro what happened?"

"Fatass sat on my phone!" Kyle grumbled.

"Nah uh! I scared you and you dropped it!" Kyle then punched him quite hard on his arm. The bigger boy recoiled and grit his teeth.

"Just fuckin drive Ken!" Kyle shouted. Kenny hit the gas and rode on to the gas station.

The gas station, with a decaying sign in front of it, was as end of the road as a pun about a gas station can be. The entire property reeked of grease from the shitty burritos sold there for exorbatant prices. That was not the goal, however. Within these walls of modern degradation, lied a bountiful harvest of cheesy poofs and any kind of snack you could ask for, also sold for...

...wait for it...

...EXORBATANT PRICES...

"Wait here." Kyle said, exiting the vehicle without fully explaining his plan. Kenny stares on in confusion as Kyle enters the establishment.

They all waited in the silence only an old car can produce.

"So what really happened with Kyle phone?" Kenny asked.

"I came out and said hah to him and he just dropped it." Cartman explained.

"That's funny!" Stan chuckled. "Hold on he just texted me, he says to go in and do a SR."

"SR?" Cartman inquired.

"Snatch and run!" Kenny chuckled. "Jew boy's gone crazy." Kenny then leaves, and Stan follows. Cartman understood what Kenny said. Snatch and run, like shoplifting. Cartman didn't want to just sit in the car and wait, so he exited the car and and went in as well.

Upon entering, Cartman decided to split from Kenny and Stan, and he then put his hat on, covering his head as much as possible. He slowly and methodically grabbed the quietest items, and situated them within his heavy coat. He then caught a glimpse of bright red locks. It was Kyle's head peaking up from the desk.

Cartman then saw Kyles face in the reflection of a small makeup mirror. He looks like he's in ecstacy. He bites his lip and opens his eyes, making eye contact with Cartman through the mirror. He winks, and Cartman inhales his own saliva. He silently hacks and takes off.

He goes into a coughing fit when he exits the store. After regaining his breath, he climbs into the car and waits for the other two, who soon arrive, with Kyle in tow. They all get in the car.

"Now pull out like a sane person Kenny." Kyle says. "And turn your damn phone on dickhead!" Kyle snips. The blonde boy raises an eyebrow.

"Dude my phone got taken up at school yesterday." Kenny says. Kyle then sighs.

"Well you better hope they don't get my message then..." Kyle says.

"Don't worry, I set my lock screen to a dick pic," Kenny said. "They'll never get past that!" He chuckled.

"A literal Cock block..." Stan said in typical stoner fashion, before laughing at his own joke.

The van finally came to a stop in the forest north of town. These woods were known for a while to be prevelant to wolf attacks, so nobody ever came here. The boys themselves know for a fact that the wolf threat is minimal at best. It's just a lie spread by the high school kids to keep the woods to themselves for various activities. The illegal kind. The boys got settled in.

"Ahh, I just love nature when I'm high." Kenny giggled.

"What?" Stan scoffed. "You're already high?"

"No shit, you think I'm always this happy?" Kenny shot back.

"I don't think Kenny can function sober," Kyle huffed. "So I'm not surprised he can drive high as a kite."

"Height can be an advantage young padawan..." Kenny grumbled, before losing it, and rolling on the ground chuckling. Cartman, Kyle and Stan just looked at each other in silence.

"He keeps it in the glovebox." A voice can be heard from behindthe van that hadn't been previously heard that evening. This was a higher, softer voice. This was the voice of Butters Stotch.

"Where'd you come from?" Stan jumped.

"I was asleep in my sleeping bag," Butters rubbed his eyes. "You guys always always do this!"

"Why do you feel the need to hide yourself when you sleep?"

"I'm not hiding myself I'm just small okay, sheesh!" Butters stomped his foot. "Just get high already and shut up."

"You don't have to tell me twice." Stan said, before bending over into the van and opening the glove box. Kyle enjoys his view, and Cartman notices, leading to a bit of sweat accumulating on his brow.

"Stan are you wearing that slutty underwear again?" Kyle asked. Stan shot up, smacking his head against the top of the open door. He shouted in pain, dropping the bag comically into Kyle's waiting hand. He digged in and pulled out a pre-rolled joint. They were rolled by Butters, evident by a small amount of blue lipstick present on each once from the sealing process. This was Butters' seal of approval.

"Yes!" Kyle grinned. "Butters always makes the cleanest joints!" Kyle removes a prestine white stick, the blue smudge apparent on closer inspection, and delicately wrapped on both ends, built for portability and reliability.

"It's just a joint bro." Stan ruins the moment, his left hand rubbing the lump on his head.

"Show some respect, douchebag!" Kyle snips. "Wanna roll your own?"

"Sheesh just hand me one will ya?" Stan sounds annoyed. Kyle hands one stick to Stan, and one to Cartman, who reluctantly takes it.

"I'll help you this time Cartman." Kyle said. Cartman breaths a sigh of both relief and a reignited nervousness upon remembering that he destroyed Kyle's phone this morning, and that Kyle might still be angry about it.

"Th-thanks Kyle." Cartman said, clearing his throat. "Ah need a drink..." Cartman chuckles.

"I recall one of you grabbing a coke." Kyle said. Cartman went to van, and climbed inside. He saw Butters there, playing his gameboy with the car light situated above to allow him to see. Tetris from the sound of it. He was wearing an oversized tshirt and long pants that only showed his toes, which were covered with blue socks, that matched his blue lipstick.

"You'd see that alot better outside Butters." Cartman pointed out. Butters looked at him, and opened the mini fridge, and handed him a can of coke. Cartman raised an eyebrow.

"I heard Kyle, I'm lookout so I can hear anything." Butters said. Cartman noticed he seemed a bit off.

"Are you high Butters?" Cartman asked. Butters turned his gameboy off, and set it to the side. He crawled up to Cartman and got right up to his face.

"I dunno..." Butters said, before kissing Cartman quickly on the lips. Cartman jumped, but didn't fight it. He let Butters pull away slowly. The small blonde was breathing heavily. Cartman smelt alcohol.

"I can't..." Cartman said. "...you're drunk..."

"I thought so, I just thought I'd try..." Butters said, he then picked up his gameboy and resumed playing. Cartman exited the van, collecting himself. Butters never drank, Cartman wondered if his parents were threatening divorce again. He wiped the sweat from his brow and approached Kyle, who was sitting on a log awaiting him.

"Can I have the first sip?" Kyle asked.

"And get your jew germs on it?" Cartman joked. Kyle snickered and held his hand out. The larger boy submitted and handed the can to Kyle, who cracked it open and took a swig, before handing it to Cartman. He took a drink.

"Okay, now put it in your mouth." Kyle said. Cartman had a brief flashback of Kyle at the gas station. He dropped the coke on the ground, then panicked to get it before it spilt completely.

"Dammit!"

"You're not even high yet dude!" Kyle laughed. Cartman set the can on the log and sat next to Kyle, sighing.

"Well put it in your mouth dumbass." Kyle repeated. Cartman did as told, and Kyle produced a lighter. He lit the tip. "Now suck in." Cartman did so slowly, and felt the heat in his airway. He coughed, almost launching the joint.

"Sorry.." Cartman hacked.

"I don't have the patience for this man." Kyle said, lighting the joint himself and taking a drag. He held his breath and pulled Cartman's face into his own, exhaling the smoke into the other boy's airway. Cartman, caught off guard, couldn't do anything but breath. Kyle pulled away, and took another hit for himself.

"Kyle..." Cartman was embarassed. "What was that!?"

"Oh chill out fatass," Kyle said, handing the lit joint to Cartman, who took it. "It's not the first time you've been kissed today apparently."

"What?!" Cartman blushed. "How!?"

"Blue." Kyle simply uttered one word, and Cartman rushed to wipe his lips. Sure enough, he saw a bit of blue from Butters' lipstick.

"Shit!" Cartman freaked.

"Don't worry about it." Kyle said. "Butters and Kenny aren't going out for real, they're just fuck buddies." He took a hit. "They might let you join them."

"I don't plan on it." Cartman sighed, beginning to feel the effects finally. He let his worries fall behind him as he and Kyle laid on the rotting leaves and just talked the night away...

"Today was good. Besides getting kissed by Butters and Kyle... which seemed kind of weird, It was good. Kenny's weed never disappoints.

I hope tomorrow goes a bit more smoothly though. And I hope, no I pray that Kyle doesn't bring up the gas station..."

Author's note: Bet you thought I was gone huh? For real though, I just fell off the face of the earth for a while. I plan on writing alot more stories, so lemme know what you thought of this little AU. As always, I love you all!


	2. Is This The Real Life?

Author's note: This story takes place in 2011, but I'm gonna pretend that social media doesn't exist and people just text, because look at me...

I am the captain now...

WARNING! There's some naughty stuff ahead so you've been warned...

Enjoy this new chapter!

The Park Boys

Chapter 2: Is This The Real Life?

Eric Cartman read over what he had written in his journal, which he had recently gotten as a gag gift at last year's christmas party. He had told everybody that he threw it in the garbage, but couldn't bring himself to do it, and instead found writing in it to be raher cathartic.

He delicately placed the journal into a secret compartment in his desk, and went about his usual afternoon duties, which consisted of texting each of his friends one at a time and seeing if they wanted to hang out.

Kenny and Stan were both busy with their jobs. They both worked at the local Burger Queen, and very frequently called in, so Cartman assumed they were actually high off their asses in Kenny's stinky van.

That left Kyle and Butters... of course...

C-Hey Kyle, you busy?

Cartman reluctantly hit send. He chose the lesser of two evils. Both had kissed him, but Kyle was just helping him smoke...

...or was he?

K-No not really, I just got my new phone though, I don't feel safe around you lol.

Cartman blushed, remembering the awkwardness of the situation. He felt bad about it, but he wasn't about to let Kyle know that.

C-Don't be so jumpy then!

K-Can't help but be afraid of that face! Ha lol jk. I'll meet you by the bus stop. I'll be driving my dad's car.

C-Okay, I'm heading out now.

Cartman stuffed his phone in his pocket, and proceeded to leave the house. He was alone with his thoughts the whole way there.

Is Kyle still mad about the phone thing? Cartman thought. He sighed. Kyle said he got a new phone, but Cartman couldn't help but feel bad. Maybe he's gonna try to kiss you again...

Cartman stopped dead in his tracks and expelled that thought from his mind. Where the fuck did that come from? He was just--

HOOOONK!!

Cartman flailed and fell backward into the snow. He heard laughter, followed by a voice.

"Oh shit sorry!" It was a familiar voice.

Cartman saw a hand hovering over him. He grabbed it instinctively, and with a bit of effort, stood up on two feet. He met the look of an amused Kyle Broflovski, who's white teeth were showing in a smile.

"The hell?" Cartman growled.

"Didn't think you could get all that weight off the ground," Kyle laughed. "looked like a perfect 10!"

"You pulled me up didn't ya?" Cartman pointed out. Kyle paused, shrugging.

"Guess that gym membership wasn't a waste of money after all." Kyle retorted almost effortlessly.

"Fuck you." Cartman surrendered.

"I mean it's kinda karma dude." Kyle grinned. Cartman rolled his eyes, as Kyle opened the passenger door of his car for him. It was his dad's 1988 Pontiac Firebird, the car every teenage boy in South Park drooled over, and Kyle and his father are the only people to ever drive it.

"Thanks." Cartman sprinkled a bit of sarcasm as he got in the car. Kyle closed the door and got in shortly after. He looked over at his passenger and grinned.

"So, wanna make out?" Kyle said. Upon hearing this, Cartman almost choked on his saliva.

"Dude-"

"I'm joking sheesh!" Kyle laughed. "So you got any place in mind?"

"Not really."

"How bout Kenny's?" Kyle suggested. That was his go-to.

"Nah, I already texted him," Cartman said. "He said he and Stan are working late at Burger Queen."

"That's interesting..." Kyle said. He pointed to a styrofoam cup in the cup holder. "I was just there, and I didn't see them."

"Fuck! I knew it!" Cartman said aloud.

"Fuck indeed my friend," Kyle said, starting the car up with a roar. "...fuck indeed..."

Kyle drove away from the bus stop, and into the town of South Park. He glanced over at Cartman occasionally.

"I'm thinkin about making a pit stop on our buddies first," Kyle said, coming to a stop at a stop sign. "You down?"

"Sure I guess." Cartman said. Kyle turned on Kenny's road, and soon enough, the run down house was visible. Kyle parked the car delicately, rather far from the house.

"Protect the Bird," Kyle said simply. "There's a 9mm in the glove compartment if anybody tries anything. I'll be right back." He said, leaving Cartman alone in the car, and making his way to the house. He watched as Kyle entered the house after greeting Kenny's mother. Cartman sighed and fiddled with his phone, playing snake to pass the time.

PING!

Cartman jumps in his seat at the sudden noise. He glances over at the driver's seat to see the glowing screen of Kyle's new phone. He picks it up and sees a text from Kenny.

I got some u can have, drop by my place I'll hook u up!

What could Kenny be talking about? Weed? No, the phrasing is incorrect, but then again this is Kenny, a high school dropout.

It racked Cartman's mind until he hear footsteps approaching and he put the phone back where he found it. Soon after, Kyle opened the door and saw his phone. He chuckled and picked it up.

"Thought I left it at my house!" Kyle said, as he got in. Cartman could easily see that Kyle wasn't holding anything. What did Kenny give him?

"So where to now?" Cartman asked.

"My place." Kyle said. Cartman was confused.

"What about your parents?" Cartman asked, getting nervous all the sudden.

"Why do you think I'm driving the Bird on a Saturday?" Kyle snickered. "They enrolled Ike into a private school in Utah, and they'll be looking at the facilities till Sunday afternoon."

"Oh okay.." Cartman calmed down.

Kyle drove away from the area and soon they were at his house. After parking the car in the garage, they both exited, and entered the toasty house. Cartman took off his coat and beanie, with Kyle following suit, both boys hanging their respective clothing items in the laundry room just opposite the garage door. Both boys made their way silently up to Kyle's room. Once up the stairs however, the talking resumed.

"What kinda pizza do you like again?" Kyle asked.

"Supreme, but we can get it without ham if you want." Cartman said.

"It's okay, I got paid, so I was thinking a pizza for each, since we'll be high and all that."

"I can pay you back next week."

"Just accept it, I did kinda kiss you without consent yesterday," Kyle pointed out. "Keep that on the hush hush, and I won't go all Italian mafia on your ass!"

"Sounds good to me." Cartman grinned.

They entered the room, and Kyle closed the door behind him. Cartman looked around. Kyle's bedroom had walls covered in band and video game posters, but the bunk bed stood out. Kyle noticed Cartman staring.

"I have the room to myself," Kyle clarified. "I just got a good deal on that bed."

"I could make a jew joke right now," Cartman said. "You know that, right?"

"I'm surprised you didn't make one earlier," Kyle said. Cartman was confused. "The gym membership?"

"Oh fuck!"

"Fuck indeed..."

"Why do you keep saying that?" Cartman asked.

"I heard it this dumb action flick." Kyle explained.

"Okay, whatever..." Cartman said. He then rememered the text. "So why'd you stop by Kenny's"

"Oh well, I figured we should wait until after we get our pizza." Kyle looked noticeably nervous all of the sudden. He pulled out his phone and dialed the number for the local pizza place. Cartman just shrugged it off and sat on Kyle's bed. He pulled out his phone and played snake again. He has yet to beat Butters' high score, and he refuses to accept defeat.

"I went ahead and got two supremes." Kyle said. Cartman squinted his eyes at Kyle.

"No pork right?" Cartman asked.

"Fuck that," Kyle said, pulling off his heavy sweater, to reveal a green tshirt underneath. "I always thought the whole not eating pork thing was ridiculous."

"Fine with me." Cartman tugged at the neck of his sweater, feeling the cool breeze seep in, indicating sweat.

"Why are you still wearing your sweater?" Kyle asked.

"Cuz I don't want to be shirtless." Cartman stated rather bluntly. "I didn't think we'd come to your place, figured we'd go to the mall or something."

"I've seen you shirtless before dude." Kyle said. He then took off his shirt blatantly, and tossed it in a nearby hamper. "Live a little." He grinned, showing his white teeth.

"Fahn!" Cartman spat. He hated anybody seeing him shirtless, he felt ugly. He begrudgingly pulled off the sweater, and folded it.

"Didn't take you for the neat type." Kyle joked. He walked over to his entertainment center and turned on his playstation 3. He handed Cartman the second controller and sat beside him. Cartman couldn't help but notice how close Kyle was to him. The fact that they were both shirtless didn't help one bit.

They barely got the game started before the door bell rang. Kyle nudged Cartman's bare shoulder.

"Not it!" He chirped, letting out a giggle afterword. Cartman looked at him like he had dishonoured his family. "Kidding." Kyle got up and left the room in a hurry to catch the pizza guy. Cartman twiddled his thumbs as he was left to his thoughts once again.

Dammit! This wouldn't be so weird if he hadn't kissed me yesterday! Cartman wrestled with his subconscious. He couldn't help but try to guess what Kyle got at Kenny's house. If it was weed, they'd both be high by now. Kyle wasn't one to wait to smoke. If given the opprotunity he would regardless of circumstance. Before he could question Kyle's motives further, in he came, holding two steaming pizza boxes. He set them down on the floor and then looked at Cartman.

"Did you answer the door like that?" Cartman asked.

"Didn't feel like putting a shirt on..." Kyle said. He then sat next to Cartman and they began to eat. Kyle put on Terrence and Phillip just so they'd have something to concentrate on other than silence.

After almost finishing their respective pizzas, they both looked at each other almost simultaneously.

"So what did you get from Kenny?"

"I think you know, ton of fun..." Kyle said, getting up and walking over to his desk. He grabbed his wallet and pulled out something small. He clutched it in his hand and went back to the bed and sat beside Cartman.

"What?"

"Yesterday, at the gas station..." Kyle began, clutching his hand tighter around whatever he was holding. "I know you saw me..."

"What are you-"

"We made eye contact!" Kyle interjected. "Playing dumb will only waste our time."

"What are you going on about Kyle?" Cartman was incredibly confused.

"I know you saw me get by dick sucked by the cashier at the gas station!" Kyle said bluntly. Cartman froze.

"So that's what was happening..." He stared at the floor.

"I just wanted to let you know that it didn't mean anything..." Kyle said.

"I..." Cartman was speechless, and still a bit confused.

"Just shut up and kiss me!" Kyle grabbed Cartman's cheeks and pulled him into a kiss. They locked lips and instantly Cartman felt elated. He didn't fight back. Kyle's lips were like a drug, he felt high kissing him. They pulled away in unison.

"That was..."

"...Clearly you aren't a wordsmith, but that's fine..." Kyle grinned. He produced a small plastic baggie with some of Butters' signature joints. Cartman then took initiative and kissed Kyle this time, and the two ditched the pot and just made out all night long...

Author's note: In case anybody is wondering, I don't plan these stories, I just write as I go. So yeah. Kyle and Cartman hook up, or do they? Could this be just a one night stand? Find out in the next chapter of THE PARK BOYS, to be released whenever I have time to write it!

Don't forget to fav and follow so you don't miss out on the next upload. Love you all!!


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